Thinking of You

Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you. Thinking of you. What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night. I wish that I was looking into your eyes. – “Thinking of You,” Katy Perry

Everyone around me has told me The Sister isn’t good for me. Except for her sister, my friend, who tells her I’m not good for her. But for whatever reason, I cannot get her out of my head. Or my heart. And it sucks.

I’ve gone on dates with other women while waiting for The Sister. The first one made me sick to my stomach. Like I was being unfaithful or something. Now I’m trying to navigate a very slow-moving dating game with a girl who found me online and wanted to get to know me. And I can’t stop sabotaging it. The sparks that I feel around The Sister, the sexual tension, the way she makes me smile when she texts me… there’s nothing like it in my life right now. And it’s impossible to just… let go of her.

The Sister told me not to wait for her. That no one should wait for another person to get their shit together. And maybe she’s right. But I told her all the reasons I was okay with waiting. How I feel we would make a good team. How much I care for her and her daughter and want to help take care of them. How when she smiles at me nothing else in the world matters and I instantly feel better. How just the thought of kissing her sends a shiver down my back. How sometimes just a picture of her takes my breath away. I can’t deny how I feel about her. There’s no point. But somehow I’m supposed to move on.

How do I get better once I’ve had the best? You said there’s tons of fish in the water so the waters I will test.

I’ve gone on three dates with Marie Harrison. I think I like her, even if there wasn’t an instant spark there like I had with The Sister and The Ex. I think she likes me, but she’s very hard to read. However somehow, without her even knowing I’m on dates, The Sister pops out of the woodwork to text me or Snapchat me or send me links on Facebook. And even when I’m with someone else, she brings a smile to my face. I like knowing she’s thinking of me, because I’m still almost always thinking of her.

I get that we’re just friends. I get that she doesn’t want to date me. And I get that I’ll probably not feel for someone else how I feel for her.

Two years I’ve loved her. Two years I’ve waited. And we’re closer than we’ve ever been before. So move on? Yeah… right.

Oh won’t you walk through and bust in the door and take me away. No more mistakes cause in your eyes I’d like to stay.

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