Somebody Else

I don’t want your body but I hate to think about you with somebody else.

Our love has gone cold. You’re intertwining your soul with somebody else. – “Somebody Else,” The 1975

The Sister and I saw each other after a few months, and I realized that by my set of “standards” I shouldn’t necessarily find her attractive. She’s taller than me, which I don’t like. She’s bigger than me. She wears stained shirts with sweat pants when she wants to be comfortable. She doesn’t fix her hair when she knows I’m coming over. She is who she is and doesn’t seem to give a shit what anyone else thinks. And it is wildly attractive… Yes, she fits some of what I usually go for- tattoos, dark hair, more femme. And somehow the things I’m normally not attracted to don’t seem to matter when I’m around her.

The Ex was also not my normal “type.” She was also taller, had short hair, was kind of butch, wore baggy clothes and didn’t usually dress up much. But her confidence in who she was, her sexuality, etc. drew me to her like a train wreck.

By the time we were through, I didn’t really want her physically, but I couldn’t stand the fact that she wanted so many other women and not me. And there were A LOT… Emotional affair was like a constant state for her. She was drawn to women with low self-esteem, which meant she bought them gifts and sent them little love notes and texted them continuously. She went out of her way to make sure the other woman felt beautiful and wanted, all while I sat next to her, silently feeling torn down by the person who was supposed to build me up. She got what she wanted from me- she moved onto her next project over and over and over.

I’m looking through you while you’re looking through your phone and then leaving with somebody else. No, I don’t want your body but I’m picturing your body with somebody else.

Seeing The Sister always has its drawbacks. We laugh, flirt, poke fun at each other, and have fun together, and then it sends me on a tailspin of trying to determine what is actually happening between us. Does she want to date? Be friends? Is she just being nice? Does she think about me as often as I think about her? Will she draw me in and then push me away like the last time? Hard to tell. But regardless of whatever “type” I think I have, when I see her or think about her none of the other issues matter.

She has admitted to still being hung up on her ex. She dated this dude for almost two years, then he walked out after she accused him of cheating. I started talking to her right after this, and it was obvious she wasn’t over this guy. They ended up getting back together for a bit, off and on, but are now split up. My friend told me she is positive The Sister and this dude are just friends and she’s finally over him. An hour later The Sister told me she doesn’t want to start anything and then fuck it up, all because she’s not over this dude. And you know my thoughts here- she’s going to go back to the penis again eventually. Bi/Pan girls always do…

She still talks to this guy all the time. Like I’m pretty sure when we’re hanging out she’s texting him. For a few days I convinced myself that some of her social media posts of happiness or flirtiness or desires were directed at me. They were probably for him. And that’s okay. The heart wants what it wants. It takes time to get over someone. I just… I had gotten to a point where it didn’t matter to me how she felt about him. But I let myself get drawn back in and start caring again. And I’m going to get hurt by her all over again.

So how much does type play into a connection? You can know what you’re looking for and still find a completely different person who takes your breath away. You can also be so narrowly focused on checking off all your relationship boxes that you miss a good thing standing right in front of you. I think with The Sister she’s been burned too many times before and doesn’t trust a good thing when she sees it. Not that I’m totally a good thing, but I think I’m at least better than what she has had. I’m older, have a good job, make enough money to do fun things. She knows The Kid and my relationship with her, and since she too has a daughter she trusts me more with her. But she’s only dated one other woman; the rest have been guys. And again, she tends to go back to the penis. She did last time I pursued her. And my brain is telling me not to trust that it won’t happen again.

Come on baby. This ain’t the last time that I’ll see your face. And come on baby, you said you’d find someone to take my place. I just don’t believe that you have got it in you cause we are just gonna keep doing it. And every time I start to believe in anything you’re saying I’m reminded that I should be getting over it.

Do I hope she wants to date me? I think so. We would be long-distance, as I currently live 2.5 hours away from her. But that may be wise anyway. Keep me from getting too serious. Because I think I would. As much as I know she will try and push me away or bail or not let herself believe she deserves anything good, I would fall for her. And fall hard.

I hope I figured out something before she starts dating some other random dude. I don’t want to feel that pseudo rejection again. The kind that makes you feel stupid for having it.

And by the way, if I haven’t mentioned it – Women are hella confusing.

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