Fade Into You

I want to hold the hand inside you.  I want to take a breath that’s true.  I look to you and I see nothing.  I look to you to see the truth. – “Fade Into You,” Mazzy Star

So I never really believed too much in astrology and how much it affects your personality until I met Farm Girl. She is HUGE into astrology and tarot cards and seven houses and star charts and ancestors and all kinds of thing I had never even considered listening to until I was completely drawn to her and hung on basically every word she said… Now I’ve looked into what it means to be a Leo. We are noble, loyal creatures. Many are famous or in positions of power. To prove that point, I share a birthday with Kate Beckinsale, George Bernard Shaw, Helen Mirren, Mick Jagger, and Sandra Bullock…

I’ve also noticed that while Leo’s are often in the spotlight, we know how to make others feel important. In my 20s I was often told that I was the master of making people think we were great friends while I kept them at arm’s length. And that’s true. It was much safer that way; gave me all the control. But when I found people that I truly cared about and wanted to support, I brought them into my inner circle and took care of them. I still do that to an extent, I am just much less in the spotlight these days. I have always been the planner, the decision-maker. My friends from high school may still be standing in my kitchen 18 years later trying to decide where we should go eat if it wasn’t for me always deciding… I never minded it. Still don’t. Although it’s frustrating sometimes to realize that if I didn’t make the plans, the phone calls, and the invites, I would never be seen. Sometimes I just want someone to come after me.

Sometimes I let a person in who doesn’t return the same kind of feelings. Case in point – Farm Girl. She is a Gemini – free spirit, fickle nature, loves alone time but also likes to be social. My lordly lion wants to support her, provide stability while she gypsy’s from path to path. I have proven this by the number of times I have offered to help her with mundane, everyday things. Big things too. She turns me down every time. I have made grand gestures like driving two hours out of my way to “bring her boxes” that she needed to pack up before she moves home this weekend, when in reality it was so I could see her. Even though I knew it would only be for about an hour. I attempted to make plans with her for earlier that day, but she pushed it further and further back until I only saw her for about 45 minutes. That’s kind of how we operate – I suggest we hang out, she agrees and makes it sound like her schedule is wide open, then when I try to actually set a time she has 14 reasons why it won’t work or can only be a fraction of the time. But I keep going back. Most would argue that I’m just being walked on. Even her. She knows she’s fickle and distant. Even told me she was worried I would walk away because of it. Well if there’s one way to get a Leo to stay, it’s tell them you’re worried they’ll walk away because of some tragic flaw you have… You’ve just appealed to our sense of loyalty and strength. How could we walk away from that?

Fade into you. Strange you never knew. Fade into you… I think it’s strange you never knew.

It doesn’t surprise me that I make it obvious that I want her in my life. I do. Do I wish it were returned? Sure. But why doesn’t she make it obvious? Because she doesn’t feel the same way about me that I do about her? That’s true. Because I’m not important to her? I think I am. She has said as much. Because she’s just fickle and she does this with everyone? Maybe. But this most recent display of ill-returned favoritism hurt more than usual. She is moving back to her hometown, which is six hours away. She was supposed to leave on Monday, but is now leaving on Saturday night. So, of course, when I tried to schedule the plans we had talked about making that she said would be no problem to uphold, she let me know she was leaving earlier than planned and would not be able to go with me. Thanked me for the invite and my kindness, as she always does. Somehow for as distant as she is, she has no problem being incredibly thankful and appreciative for everything I do for her. Weird. Anyway, as I always do I offered alternatives to the original plan, and as always, she said “maybe.” This, one day after telling me she was dead set on staying in contact with me after she moves because we met for a reason and were connected and she was afraid I would walk away because of her distance and fickle nature. Ah, there it is… Baffling that on Tuesday she wants to make sure we stay in each other’s lives and then Wednesday she’s too busy to even say goodbye to me in person. I was bummed the rest of the evening. It hurt, I took it personally, and I questioned why it’s always me that does the reaching out and the gestures and tries to usher her into my inner circle. She is on her own path, figuring out her own way. While I know she doesn’t want to date me and doesn’t have the same romantic connection with me I have towards her, I thought that even as my friend she would want to see me before she left. That I would matter enough or be important enough to at least warrant an in-person goodbye. But, with T-minus 40 hours until departure time, I have yet to make the cut.

You live your life, you go in shadows. You come apart and you’ll go blind. Some kind of night into your darkness colors your eyes with what’s not there.

It’s okay. It stings, but I still function. And I can tell myself that I’m going to make other plans and if she doesn’t want to see me before she goes then that’s her loss and we can just be text buddies and on I go. But let’s be honest – if she texts anytime before she leaves with even a hint that she can get together for even a brief visit before she leaves… Two-hour drive, here I come.

Loyal? Regal? Sucker.

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