Baby’s in Black

I think of her, but she thinks only of him. And though it’s only a whim, she thinks of him. Oh how long will it take till she sees the mistake she has made? – “Baby’s In Black,” The Beatles

My relationship with The Sister has been complicated at best. She is the older sister of one of my good friends, and unfortunately that friend tried hard to get us together. She has a daughter, she’s pan sexual, she’s a giant Beatles fan and she is nearly as sarcastic as me. She’s also terrible at communicating, she struggles with depression over the death of her father and she pushes people away when they get too close. So, you know, we’ve got a lot in common…

We’ve known each other for about three years, and during that time we’ve both been single at the same time only once. It was after my friend had literal brain surgery, and to celebrate her recovery threw a party which The Sister and I both attended. There was joking, flirting, good conversation and unspoken potential. Several people mentioned they could see the chemistry. And thus my friend’s set up plan began.

The Sister and I texted each other and perused through the other one’s social media. We complained about jobs, compared our favorite music festivals and planned road trips that would never happen. She made it clear from the beginning that she had just gotten out of a relationship and was only interested in being friends, which was fine by me. I was excited to get to know her instead of just dancing around each other at social functions like we had been doing for over a year. My good friend, however, made the mistake of showing me a text where The Sister admitted to liking me and wanted to pursue something after she was over her ex boyfriend. I SHOULD NOT have read that text…

As any of my close friends will tell you, I have no game. Zero. I give my feelings away and get attached to quickly, which is why I keep most people at arm’s length to begin with. I’m not good at the whole “don’t text back right away or you’ll seem too interested.” If I get your message and I’m able to, I answer back right then. I also don’t pick up on flirting right away. Call it a bad self-image, but I generally assume no girl is ever checking me out or interested in me in person. I mean I know I look good on paper, but in person doesn’t usually produce good results.

Anyway… I used my non-game skills with The Sister- messaged her back quickly, kept trying to set up a hang out time, etc. She would respond with telling me she couldn’t find a babysitter. Once she actually messaged me first, asking what I was doing that night. I told her I was looking at the stars and she should join me. She never responded, then several minutes later posted on Facebook how bored she was and actually had a kid-free night and needed somewhere to go. That one hurt my feelings.

Anytime we had a remotely personal conversation, she would go silent for days. She claimed to be a good listener, but when I attempted to open up once about my family she went quiet and eventually ducked out of the conversation. After making it abundantly clear she wasn’t going to let me in, I gave up. Only took a few months. Sort of.

Turns out she got back together with her dude. Which most bi checks do, by the way. Most of the time they will let themselves be with another girl, but in the end they tend to settle down with the penis. Generalization, I realize. But it’s based in truth.

She got back with the dude for about a year before they split again. And I thought about her constantly during that time. Which annoyed me.  Even now, when she and I talk daily, go out on weekends on pseudo-dates, and have discussed where this thing might go, she has admitted to not being over this guy.  She calls him a douche bag, says he isn’t good for her.  Even my friend thought the two were just friends and she was over him completely.  But The Sister won’t allow herself to start anything with me because she just can’t let him go.  No matter how good I seem on paper… no matter how many times I prove to her that I’m not going to bail or walk away or hurt her, even when she pushes me away…  she doesn’t want it.  Not from me.

The lyrics are true- I keep thinking of her knowing she is thinking of him. One thing The Beatles didn’t include in the song- how much that sucks.

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