Almost Lover

Goodbye, my Almost Lover. Goodbye my hopeless dream. I’m trying not to think about you. Can’t you just let me be?- “Almost Lover,” A Fine Frenzy

Farm Girl. We met online, talked for what felt like an eternity, then I drove two hours to where she was, we met and went on a few dates. And quicker than I would have expected, I got reeled in.

So is not thinking about someone even possible? I think about her daily, sometimes hourly, but know it isn’t returned. Her priority is her – her writing, her self-love, her family, her decisions. I give myself away by how fast I respond to her texts, I know that much… When she wants to converse she does, when she’s focused elsewhere, I may not hear from her for what feels like days. She is kind, too kind in fact, but her priorities are obvious. So why can’t I walk? Why can’t I let go and decide that I’ll focus on myself and if we meet again great? Because I’m afraid we won’t? Because I think she’s the real deal? I don’t know, but walking away or giving up sure doesn’t seem like an actual option. Right now, anyway. Maybe once she moves that will change.

I cannot go to the ocean. I cannot drive the streets at night. I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind. So you’re gone and I’m haunted, and I bet you are just fine. Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

So what does that mean, a hopeless dream? The Ex was the deepest relationship connection I’ve had, but was it just a dream too? I completely resented her for not loving me, for not trying, for not choosing me. I just couldn’t picture us not staying together. I should have known from her history that she would do what she did, but somehow I truly thought we were forever. Am I thankful now? Sure. It was, and is, such a toxic relationship. I just couldn’t see it when I was right in the middle of it. Once out of the relationship, I still resented her for how she hurt me and how she acted like she didn’t care and moved on so quickly. Isn’t that giving up? I hurt her, badly, did horrible things to her, even while I still loved her. That’s… well, I don’t know what that is. But it’s something I shouldn’t repeat.

Is it healthy to give up? Sometimes, sure. There is nobility, loyalty, in not giving up on someone. My Leo nature goes to that method as a way of life. I would much rather fix what’s broken than start something new. But my way of expressing I was hurt was flawed. The Ex hated when I aired our problems, even though that’s how I work things out – verbally. But I hurt her by exposing our faults. I just couldn’t stop. I didn’t care enough about her to stop, to seek help elsewhere, to just put my head down and force a conversation with her. Or to just change what I was doing. And she left. I had to give up eventually. It was a matter of survival. I pushed her so far away in the process though… Wish I hadn’t. It’s how I justified her not choosing me – because I had done all these terrible things to her. And now, she wants nothing to do with me. Wants me out of The Kid’s life, doesn’t want to see or hear my name… That was too much. I needed the tie severed, but not like that. I needed to have enough self-respect and love to give up. I didn’t. Is that what I need with Farm Girl? Heh, I can’t even call her by her name. Her name acknowledges I have feelings. I do the same thing with The Kid. It’s my way of keeping her at arm’s length. Which is stupid because my feelings for her consume me on a daily basis. Do I give in? Or give up?

So long my luckless romance. My back is turned on you. Should have known you’d bring me heartache. Almost Lovers always do.

I’m going to get a temporary farm job. I’ve decided. I have to at least see if I’m interested in the things she holds close. If I hate it, and she goes the farm route… well, maybe that’s my answer. But I don’t think I will. I think the manual labor will speak to me and clear my head and help with all the love she keeps telling me about. And then I’ll go to the newsroom where I also feel alive. Maybe my life overall will become that much more fulfilling. Maybe it will change me, bring perspective. And maybe it will just be a summer job that gives me a nice tan and helps me get in shape…

I’m scared to wait on this girl. I’m even more scared not to. I know I fall quickly sometimes. I know I overthink and usually care more for the person than they do me. Which sucks most of the time. I’m always the planner, the one who makes things happen, the one who makes the sacrifices. That’s been proven by how alone I’ve been over the last few months – if I don’t make the effort it doesn’t get made. But when I went from The Ex to Poly Girl, I wasn’t over The Ex. I would think about Poly Girl a lot, but I couldn’t make myself feel it. I didn’t feel anything for months. With Farm Girl… dear lord I am so drawn to her. I can’t get her out of my head. And I FEEL it. That’s the worst part. It isn’t even just cute, smile when you text type crap anymore. It’s deep. Too deep. I’m not going to say what it could be because we’ve been out 2.5 times and haven’t kissed and she doesn’t want to date me… But it could be.

Man I’m in trouble.

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