Wicked Game

I never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you.  And I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you.  “Wicked Game,” by Chris Isaak

I’ve said that phrase about nearly every woman who has had an impact on my life:  The Ex, Farm Girl, The Sister, Marie Harrison, Young Bartender…  All sent very mixed signals.   All of them allowed me to create false hope in things that weren’t actually there.  And all of them still have a piece of my heart, however small, that I’ll never get back.

world was on fire

Each of these women came at a time when I thought there was no hope; for me, for love, for life, whatever.  I needed to be found and saved, and they all came with the promise of doing so.

strange what desire

Lets admit it.  We’ve all done stupid, STUPID things out of desire or lust or want.  I’m no different.  Things out of character, things that hurt other people’s feelings, things I regretted later.  And for each of these women I went out of my way to prove myself.  You can see how well that worked long term…  Its a live and learn experience, I get that.  I just wish I hadn’t opened myself up as much as I did.

No I don’t want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)

No I don’t want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart) with you.

I shouldn’t have let myself create hope in situations where it didn’t exist.  I let these women convince me they were interested, that they wanted me or wanted something from me, when they didn’t.  And when I tried to question them about what we were or where we were headed I was often told I was too pushy, too insecure, too over-analytical, too serious.  “I told you, I just wanted to be friends,” is a common phrase I hear.  That usually comes after we’ve made out or had sex or I was asked to not give up on them, mind you…

what a wicked game to play

If you’ve read any number of my posts you can probably tell I don’t consider myself a good person.  I have human decency for the most part, but I’ve never truly been proud of who I am.  For a lot of reasons.  And I think that’s why it doesn’t always surprise me when I get used.  When I am taken advantage of or led on.  I don’t do that to others.  If I like you or want to pursue you, you’ll know it.  I get that there are the “dating games” to play, they’ve just never interested me.  If we like each other, lets figure it out and see if we can move forward.  Stop with the mixed signals.  Even if you don’t know what you want, just be honest about it.  I don’t know, apparently I’m too old or old fashioned or something.  But I continue to chase after women who don’t really want me, but string me along enough to keep me coming back for more.  They present enough interest in some kind of future that I build up hope and what ifs and let myself believe that the current crap they are putting me through can be battled and will prove to them my worth, why they should stay, why they should pick me.

Spoiler Alert:  They usually don’t.

However these up and down stringing relationships led to this sweet chest tattoo:

45893041_10157870844628332_5968331076152590336_o

I’ve done my best to begin living this mantra every day.  Not closing off completely, although a lot of times I want to.  But to stop opening up my heart as quickly.  To not let them see the weaknesses that end up getting used against me.  To take care of me first and not be led down a path of sacrificing myself for someone who isn’t going to do the same.  And to just stop playing the game.  Either get in or get out.  I can’t keep chasing.  I can’t keep guessing at mixed signals.

I won’t.

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